Thought #3

On Hurt

I could be plugged into Nine Inch Nails. I watched an episode of Rick and Morty—Season 2 Episode 10. Rick turned himself in for his family.

Would I do the same?

Would I let go of myself for you? Become exactly the person you want me to be and somehow live the way you see it? I know I can’t do it—it will kill me. So rather than having myself be killed at your hands, I shall do it on my own.

Andrea Gibson says that we are all scarred and I feel the truth of her words. We are not this perfect family that we pretend to be.

I am not perfect and I don’t want to be whatever you think “PERFECT” means. I just want to be me—without your expectations and without your judgment.

And so even though I know I was worth so much more in this life, I won't realize much of it. Because if there is one thing you have shown me through brute force and your emotional immaturity—it is that my life is not TRULY mine and everything has to be done as you see fit because YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY GOD.

But don't you see? I cannot be your brand of me. 

So whether it means abandoning all my dreams, whether it means numbing my heart for an eternity or even ceasing to breathe—I will do all of these, because I will not let go of who I am and lead the life you need me to live.

So, forgive me that I can’t be what / who you wanted me to be.

I am me and this is who I will always choose to be.

So keep my will and keep my memories, because for now I don’t care much more for this life and what it means for me.